Two days until we head to Seattle for surgery. Getting a little nervous, but glad to be at this point.
I already know what I'm wearing to the UW Medical Center on Thursday morning. Last weekend my friend Randy Jones gave me a gift bag. When I opened the bag and saw that it was a T-shirt with "STEELE" on the front, I knew immediately when and where the T-shirt would debut.
Years ago Randy gave me that nickname in a circuit training program I was in (he was a trainer). He has called me that ever since. Thanks, Randy.
I'm also taking the quilt that some friends made for me. It has their names embroidered on one of the panels. I use the quilt every night.
So thanks for your prayers and words of support, especially this week. They mean so much, more than you know.
9 comments:
Rosa,
We will continue to pray for you, especially as you will be having surgery on Friday.
Veda
Love & Prayers Rosa!
Know that we are thinking of you!
Wow! I hadn't seen your blog for a few weeks and your picture by Kim was amazing! You are beautiful! Well, that's not news, though. You've always been beautiful--inside and out. I can't wait to see your turban look. You trend setter, you!
Our family still prays for you daily--more than once. We will pray for your continued courage and send up extra prayers for your surgery.
The "Long Winter" will turn to Spring before you know it!
Trish Hensel
Dear Rosa,
You can add my prayers for your successful surgery into the mix. I did write to you at your e-mail address, but it seems to be a work e-mail. I will re-post it here. Feel free to delete it after you read it, as it is rather long.
God bless!
Jill
Dear Rosa,
So much of what you wrote resonates with me. While I haven't had a lot of chemo-induced pain, yet, but I have begun to experience the fatigue you mentioned. I actually sent my own mother away, so I could get some rest. Then, after going back to school (I am a high school teacher) for a half-day today, I came home and slept for four hours. Weird for me.....I never sleep in the afternoon.
The other thing that hit me the most in your writing was the idea of being "strong/courageous." And the idea that if I don't maintain a strong front that I am somehow letting others down. I'm already facing a bit of that, and I'm already reminding myself - every time it comes up - that courage isn't the absence of fear.......it is walking forward, in spite of fear. I've done a lot of that lately. Every appointment I've had with doctors, I've honestly gone into thier rooms with my fingernails dug into my palms, and yet a smile on my very composed face. I never feel very courageous at the time, but in retrospect, I believe with all my heart that this is courage......that we walk forward and face whatever obstacles that show up. But that is only part of the picture......there are times, many of them, where I absolutely break down in sobs of overwhelm. So far, I've had the good fortune to only let down like that when I am in the presence of people I can absolutely trust. I shudder to think of having that happen in the midst of the wrong sort of people, those who would make it worse. But even then, its something that would just have to be gotten through. In the end, I've found that honesty is working best for me. When people ask, "How are you?" I ususally just answer, "OK." This is a big step from my everyday, normal life "Fine!" or "Great!" I also keep it real by telling just about anyone that, ................most of the time I'm doing surprisingly well; puncutated by moments of sheer terror, sprinkled with some standard depression now and again. Those who know me well, "get it." Those who don't know me that well, or are not really interested, are so afraid that I might tell them more, they back away. I read a long time ago that when raising children and answering their questions, its best to only answer the questions that they are asking and then resist the urge to go further. I've been using that exact same tactic with the kids at school, collegues, and friends with regards to this breast cancer. If they truly seem interested, and if I trust them, I will go as far as they want. I must say though, I didn't want to go through this - at school - with whispers of confusion around every corner. I've told my students everything - matter of factly. Its working pretty well. And at the very least, it has placed me on the top of all their prayer lists - which is comforting.
Like you, I can't do the support group thing. I'm really a one-on-one person. I have a background in Psych (grad school, therapy groups, etc) and I find that when I'm in times of great stress, my tendency to "take care of others" precludes my ability to get what I need. So, I'm relying on one to one connections. You are the first one I've spoken to who is out of my immediate circle. But you are also the only one I've communicated with who is in the midst of the beast at the same time. I think I was afraid, but it actually feels good.
And...........on to the mastectomy! I had a modified radical mastectomy. They were to remove all breast tissue and do a sentinal node biopsy. During surgery, they found no cancer in the lymph nodes so they were satisified with just a couple of nodes. While it was good news about the lymph nodes, the type of cancer was of a moderately aggressive variety which necessitates the rounds of Chemo. Apparently, they can't see if its anywhere else in my body, so they are just doing a "cleanse" of sorts. It is because of the type of cancer that the surgeon was so glad to get all the breast tissue out. Frankly, I'd consider having the other one removed if there was good reason for it to prevent any further breast cancer. I'll explore that option, down the road. Getting the actual surgery was overwhelming, of course. But I went into it being very clear that "I am not my body, I am not my hair, I am definitely not my breasts." That said, the first time I saw what was done, after the fact, was shocking. I had my daughter with me at first. She removed the dressings, then covered the mirrors for me that first week, or so which really helped. Viewing a little at a time helped me to get used to it little by little. I reminded my of a "shark bite" so that's what I call it. It made me laugh for some reason. And I'll take all the laughter I can get. The pain is manageable with meds. Once the drain is removed - which for me was absolutely painless - it begins to get more comfortable. Keeping the arm raised - all the time - also helped. You really can't use it for quite a few weeks, which is surprising. The worst pain for me was in the arm pit initially, and then the prickly feelings as the severed nerves under the tissue on my chest wall reconnected. It feels a lot like a limb waking up after having fallen asleep - only is much more intense and it doesn't go away after a few minutes. It just goes on and on. Again, pain meds help tremendously with this. Even Ibuprophen helps. The other thing is a stiffness that seems to require some type of physical therapy. The whole chest wall feels like its frozen the shoulder in place. Gentle stretching, in the shower, has made all the difference. Its been 6 weeks now, and I almost have my full range of motion back. The arm is still weak, and the tingling sensations and numbness on my skin are improved. I'm really, really glad to have the breast gone. I love my life, my family, my friends and my job more than I care for my body. I'll deal with the fall out later.
Thats all I can think of, for now. Thanks for writing. I feel really encouraged by your words and your honesty. Your "being" in this is somehow inspiration enough. The counselor at my school recently told me that us just "being" in the midst of a trial like this can be an inspiration to those around us. She said, for example, that our whole school has come together in the unity of hope for me and my success. This has little to do with me, but much to do with the yearning of the spirit within people to connect. Sad that it takes something this drastic for us all to let down our guards, but we may as well rejoice in it when it happens. And so it is with you. You are touching all kinds of people all around you.......probably many you don't even know.
Thanks again.
Love well,
Jill
Rosa,
Our thoughts and prayers continue to be with you - even more so this Friday for your surgery and recovery from it.
Linda
Rosa....you are in my prayers today. . . and the days to come.
Debbie
Rosa, I thought about you all day today and prayed that your surgeons would be especially talented! Been keeeping your family in my thoughts, too! I hope you see this and know you're in so many people's hearts (once that anesthesia buzz wears off, of course!)
Jodi
Rosa,
We prayed for you in all my classes yesterday, knowing that you were in surgery.
God continue to be with you.
Darold Bigger
Hello Rosa
I am grateful that Vince sends me your blog. I wish you a speedy recovery from your surgery. As your journey continues know that you and your family are in my prayers!
Marc says hi!
Vicki Ruley
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